God and sex, Part II

Just to get something out of the way, some of you may be asking yourselves what this old guy could possibly know about sex. Ok, so I’m no expert, but who is, really?

Is it the person who has had a lot of it, say a person who sells sex or who is promiscuous? That’s like saying a typist is an expert on writing. Is it the sex therapist? That’s somebody who fixes another person’s sex problems. It doesn’t necessarily mean he or she knows a lot about the meaning of sex, and I believe sex, like all of human life, has meaning.

So I’m not writing about sex as any kind of expert. I’m also not writing about it because I think sex is somehow unworthy of the seeker of truth. It’s because I believe sex is often made into a barrier to the search for God. Studies about the sexual and spiritual ideas of young people show that many who ignore their parents’ or church’s beliefs about sex figure “the horse is out of the barn,” that they’ve cut the cord, that they have by their actions already abandoned God. They can drift toward indifference, cynicism and sometimes unbelief.

Religion screwed up about sex?

When writing these blogs, I keep telling myself to be positive, that there’s noting less helpful than harping on the evils of modern society. But it’s more important to be honest. In that spirit, let me say that some of you may think that religion, especially Catholicism, is screwed up when it comes to the subject of sex. That may be true, but, in my opinion, not compared to society’s views of sex.

We smother the air waves and the Internet with continuous and vast amounts of sexual stimuli and wonder why people cross the lines society has drawn – lines based not on morality or ethics but on how society thinks sex should work. And how it should work is that anything goes as long as it’s what you can do by mutual consent and/or without getting caught. That idea, embedded in our culture, is a powerful influence. It easily wins out over critical thinking, let alone what parents or churches believe and teach.  

I’ve recently finished the book, The End of Sex by Donna Freitas, an exhaustive study about the “hookup culture” among college students and those a few years out of college. I understand that not all college students and young adults are involved, but according to Freitas’ research, the hookup culture is pervasive, in and out of college.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, hookups are what pass for sex among many college-age and young adults. Basically, it’s sex without strings, an abandonment of dating, romance, friendship and intimacy in exchange for non-committed, casual sex – anything from “making out” to various degrees of sexual contact. At college, it’s often accompanied by heavy drinking, often arranged at college theme parties and reinforced by the “widespread availability and social acceptance of pornography.”

“It is the defining aspect of social life on many campuses,” says Freitas; “to reject it is to relegate oneself to the sidelines of the college experience.”  

Feeling compelled to participate

For me, the most interesting part of the book is her research – over a period of many years among thousands of students at state, private and religious schools – showing that the majority of students involved are unhappy with the hookup culture. The majority, Freitas says, feel compelled to participate, believing that if they don’t, they will be shunned by friends and acquaintances and will lose serious “face.”

“Anyone who argues against hookup culture,” research subjects told Freitas, “is conservative, antifeminist, and anti-sexual revolution.” One student said having such sex is “just what college students do.” Another talked about the importance of “going with the flow.” It’s seen as normal, and normative.

This blog is entitled Skeptical Faith because I believe in critical thinking. So, what can I say to someone influenced by the hookup culture? I believe faith has a lot to offer and I intend to continue writing about that in future blogs. Meanwhile, I suggest placing sexuality in the context of our humanity by asking these questions: Will whatever sex I’m having or want to have make me and my partner happy in the long run? Will it contribute to or damage my humanity or that of society? Does it square with how I want to see myself, with who I really am? Does it help in my search for God?

I understand that these philosophical questions will pale in the heat of sexual attraction, and they will seem entirely irrelevant within the hookup culture. But asking and answering them is an essential step on the road to happiness. 

If you like this blog, please pass it along to family and friends.

TC