The Problem with the “Chosen Family”

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Listening to a radio broadcast recently, I heard an interview of a woman who was advocating for more freedom for women. Basically, she said that women should be free from traditional constraints to be able to do what they want.

“What about men?” I thought. Lots of women would answer by saying we men already do what we want.

There’s truth in that, but people searching for God - at least in the Christian tradition - need to go deeper. Jesus was “a man for others,” and all of his teaching urged his listeners to be the same, man or woman.

I thought about the newscast, and the advocate for women’s liberation, as I read a recent article in America magazine arguing against the concept of the “chosen family.” The idea of a chosen family, as I understand it, is the adoption of people other than one's biological family as one's “real family.” According to the article, the chosen family is becoming more common, especially among young adults.

Those We Choose to Keep Closest?

“The idea is that, ultimately, ‘family’ is about those relationships we choose to keep closest, whether they have anything to do with our family of origin or not.”

This cultural trend results, the article says, from the increased brokenness of traditional families.

“It is understandable for children from dysfunctional or abusive families to seek to rediscover family among people who, they feel, accept them,” the article says. “In fact, this desire points to how fundamental the human need for family is.”

Many people are willing to reject family members who they consider “toxic.” The article quotes a study by a Cornell University professor that found that 27 percent of U.S. adults reported a current estrangement from an immediate family member.

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“It may be necessary to avoid genuinely manipulative and abusive people,” the article says, “and healthy boundaries can protect us from being taken advantage of, harassed or needlessly distressed.”

But we can’t assume that the other family member is solely at fault in the relationship. Misunderstandings occur easily and our egos are sometimes fragile.

Indeed, the traditional family pretty much requires unconditional love to succeed. You have to overlook provocations and apparent indignities and expect the same from other family members. You have to be willing to take seriously the part of the Lord’s Prayer in which you ask God to forgive you “as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Hostility and indifference are serious obstacles to repairing relationships, and in the search for God.

It’s common today to hear people talking about having dropped their parents, siblings or other relatives from their lives, as if that could be done like dropping an app subscription or erasing an email message. Rarely do such actions against family members provide peace, an essential goal in the search for God.

Never Having to Say You're Sorry?

A popular old movie, called “Love Story,” considered one of the most romantic by the American Film Institute and one of the highest grossing films of all time, starred then heart-throbs Ali MacGraw, Ryan O’Neal and Tommy Lee Jones. The movie made popular a saying, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.”

The reverse is true, of course.

The apology is just the message, however. It must be preceded by a change of heart, the kind that is urged on us by the gospels. It requires compromise, the willingness to give up something to get something in return. And in my experience, what we get in return is extraordinarily worth it.

For me, one of the most meaningful and beautiful chapters in the Bible is St. Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians, in which he describes the meaning of love: It’s patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. It does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, and it “keeps no record of wrongs.”