Is Forgiveness Overrated?

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A recent article in the New York Times reports on a new book by trauma therapist Amanda Gregory entitled, “You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms.”

As in many other cases of therapists entering the field after personal experience with trauma, Gregory experienced what she describes as her parents’ physical and emotional neglect.

“It wasn’t until much later in life,” says the article, “after becoming a trauma therapist in Chicago, that Ms. Gregory realized to what extent (it) had affected her. In the course of her own therapy, she began to wonder: ‘Do I need to forgive to make more progress in my recovery?’

Redefining Forgiveness?

“She is one of several therapists, writers and scholars questioning the conventional wisdom that it’s always better to forgive,” continues the article. “In the process, they are redefining forgiveness, while also erasing the pressure to do it.”

When I first read this article, I thought Gregory was applying her admonitions about forgiveness only to trauma therapy, in which case as a layman, I can’t comment on its usefulness. But the above quote made me wonder if the Times author, at least, was applying it to life in general. And in that case, I couldn’t disagree more.

But as for therapists, from what I’ve read, many scholars, as well as psychologists, promote forgiveness as a recovery technique. And the Times article confirms that.

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Some scholars, such as Robert Enright, have said “that forgiveness is the choice to give goodness to those who have not been good to you, the article says. “And although it may be undeserved … forgiveness can foster ‘qualities of compassion, generosity and even love’ toward the person who wronged you.’”

Some studies, furthermore, suggest that forgiveness has mental health benefits, the article says, “helping to improve depression and anxiety. Other studies have found that forgiveness can lower stress, improve physical health and support sound sleep.”

In my experience, we often believe that anger or resentment toward another primarily hurts that person, but the fact is, we are the principal victims of our hate. Without forgiveness, we walk around under a cloud that darkens our souls.

While there appears to be disagreement among some psychologists on the role of forgiveness in therapy, there is little disagreement among believers on what forgiveness means for people searching for God in the Christian tradition.

Central to Jesus' Message

Forgiveness, from God and from each other, is central to Jesus’ message, so much so that it is a sacrament in Catholicism and an important teaching in almost all Christian denominations.

God is the first and principal forgiver, according to the parable of the Good Samaritan. And when Jesus’ disciples asked him to teach them to pray, he taught them, and us, "the Lord’s Prayer,” in which we ask God to forgive us as we forgive others.

Pope Francis in an address last year said forgiveness can heal “the poisons of resentment” and “restore peace to our hearts.” Forgiving, he said, is “not a good deed that we can choose to do or not do” but “a fundamental condition for those who are Christians.”